The Freedom of Cycling

For my latest adventure I worked around other distractions to honor my commitment to myself to ride. I really needed to ride for my sanity and I was determined that nothing was going to stop me.  It was incredibly hot and I was terribly disillusioned with the amount of cycling I have been doing, or not doing, lately but I had to get past this, get out there and just ride.

I have been overcomplicating something that I love.  I have been worrying about my lack of strength, the frequency with which I was cycling, and the absence of the enthusiasm to ride that I have always felt until now.  The heat was oppressive and I started to dread the climb ahead of me a long time before it actually began.  I was mapping out in my head the ups and downs and twists and turns so that I could mentally prepare, however, I was merely succeeding in frightening myself.  With each revolution I became more and more convinced that the climb would defeat me and that I would unceremoniously melt on the side of the road.  As I started around the corner and up the first relatively small climb I inhaled deeply and took in more dust than was necessary and quickly spluttered and made myself really nervous that I was going to be the only cyclist to ever fall off their bike because of a coughing fit.  Thankfully the distraction of my own stupidity served to make me forget the hill and I found myself on the better side of it much sooner than I expected.  I now realized that what was gigantic in my mind was not quite so in reality and so I pedaled on, still very hot and told myself to “pull myself together”.

I stopped briefly at the fork in the road and now I was full of dread.  This is by no means the hardest ride I have ever done, not even close and I have conquered it before, but my fears were killing my confidence.  Those fears were yelling derogatory things at me that I believed: “you are so out of shape”, “you can’t make it to the top”, you don’t have the strength to do this”, and more.  I love the peace that cycling brings but this was like being packed in a busy bus on a never-ending journey with nay-sayers.

I rounded the last corner before the climb begins and realized this part of the hill was manageable and forged ahead of my thoughts, cycling over them and leaving some of them flat on the road behind me.  I knew the hard part was still to come but decided not to worry about it and my breathing transitioned from short jerks to smoother, albeit labored, passages.  That last part was not so bad and now I was nearing what I thought was roughly the halfway point in the climb.  I was still breathing and I had not melted and I realized my legs felt good so I concentrated on them less and looked out across the edge.  The city lay stretched out as far as the eye could see and I remembered that same feeling I had when I read Tess of the d’Urbervilles for the first of many times when Tess caught a glimpse of her own insignificance.  In a magical moment my ride became about my insignificance instead of my potential failure.  The release from the pressure I had put on myself made my legs feel stronger and my breathing more willing to feel the pain of a good effort.  A car passed me cautiously and two corners later when I reached the top a wonderful angel called out of the car “You must be very fit to make it up there!”  I waved and smiled since I was barely able to breathe but I certainly could have mustered up the energy to sign an autograph if she had asked!  In the critical moments of that climb I regained my confidence and rediscovered the peace and freedom that cycling brings with it.  I am insignificant and I am back!