I read an article recently that I connected with; the writer’s style is warm and familiar without being self-serving and her story rang true line after line. I did find one statement I do not agree with but I am glad I came across it because it made me think in more depth about the lives of our children post-divorce. She offered that she had “…yet to meet the divorced mother or father who feels like a good parent, who professes to being happier with how their children are now being raised.[1]” Instinctively it did not ring true for me even though it may for other divorced parents.
I broke this statement into two, the first part suggesting that it is difficult to meet a divorced mother or father who feels like a good parent. Quite honestly, I think it is difficult to meet any parent, regardless of marital status, who feels like a good parent all the time! Generally it is the self-inflicted role of parents to badger ourselves constantly asking what we could have done differently. We learn to live with the feeling that getting it right sometimes (heavy emphasis on sometimes) is quite an accomplishment.
The second part of the statement suggests that parents may feel unhappy about the post-divorce circumstances that must be coordinated to raise their children. Certainly it is far from ideal to ask children to manage schedules and belongings and rules and emotions from house to house and I bet there is not a parent out there doing this that is excited about it. Having said that, children learn to manage different environments from an early age when they go to friends’ houses and when they start school, for example. While I am not thrilled that our boys have to navigate these sometimes treacherous waters, I am proud of them that they do and think they sometimes manage it much more gracefully than this adult! I am in no way, shape or form advocating divorce but I have to say that I am happier with how my children are being raised now because the relationships that have supplanted the traditional seem to be so much healthier for them. Without each of these amazing parents and stepparents and family members in their lives they might never have had a window on how good relationships work. They might never have seen two people working together as partners, lovers and friends.
Fundamentally, my husband and I share the same value system which means that as parents we do not have to try very hard to be united. We support each others’ decisions, together we address behavior that disappoints and vent quietly out of earshot, and we communicate and over-analyze our concerns and triumphs about our family in the quiet times after their heads have hit the pillows and they are fast asleep. I am happier with the way they are being raised because they are receiving examples of well adjusted relationships from all sides, not just us, and that will help each of them demand the best from their relationships and from life.
That my dear is a great breakdown. You are right. And yes, even married parents doubt their skills. You listen to me vent all the time!
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