5 Fellas 'n Me: The Beginning

The brief version of how we went from “Nic and the boys” to “5 Fellas ‘n Me”

I always assumed there would be children at some point but I did not expect to be consumed with those feelings so suddenly and seemingly unprompted by anything at all.

Getting pregnant was easy and everyone knows how that works so no details necessary and being pregnant was the most amazing feeling ever.  I loved the feeling that a little life was growing inside me and I loved imagining what he or she would be like.  I pictured fairy tale days full of adoration, laughter and learning, and falling into a deep and happy sleep at the end of each day.

The first perfect little boy arrived kicking and screaming and, determined to continue this theme, he has been kicking and screaming ever since.  We are often at odds, he and I, because there is a constant struggle for power and with my adult logic I  cannot understand why he does not simply accept the blanket of love, knowledge, and safety that I bring to our relationship.  He has never really accepted that I might actually be acting in his best interests; in fact he seems to think that I have always made it my mission to thwart him.  I do not understand him as well as I would like but I do love him with all my heart, with the heart of a mother. 

Even though I was realizing that parenting was a lot harder work than expected, a couple of years later we were ready to try this craziness all over again.  We had an early miscarriage that blew the embers of my desire for another baby into a raging fire.  It was all I could think about and all I longed for and when I was pregnant again a couple of months later I cautioned myself but felt whole again.  Another wonderful pregnancy and I realized that I felt like a woman when I was pregnant; the rest of the time I was afraid of my own body.  I needed to explore that one day but not now while I felt on top of the world.

That second perfect little boy arrived quickly and lay snuggled on my chest while the nurses attended to other business.  He was not impressed when they bathed him beside my bed but snuggled back where he was when it was all over, his skin and mine seamlessly molded together.  He let out a contented sigh before his eyes closed; he was right at home as if my body was his and he has been that way ever since, completely comfortable.  I do not remember when and how I knew but at some point during the next eighteen months my desire to bear children had been satisfied; there would be no more additions to our family.  At the same time came the unbelievable, “this only happens to other people” realization that my marriage was over and yet I had selfishly brought two perfect little boys into a world that could not deliver on the traditional expectations of family life.  We tried and we tried again to make things work but it was not to be and we both moved out of the marital home and started new lives that included coordinating schedules, packing bags, and communicating changes in behavior and routines.  It was the very last thing I ever imagined or wanted but the only thing to do.   

The boys hit all the usual milestones in tact with Mum and Dad determined to parent well together even if they had not been able to do it in the same house.  I protected the boys from my adult life and when they were with me, I was all theirs and they were all mine.  Therefore, it was surprising to me about five years later when I met the man of my dreams.  When it happened, it was ridiculously easy!  I respect the way he thinks, I love his flare for adventure, I like that he worries about the same things I worry about, and I enjoy that we make each other laugh.  It was amazingly easy to say yes when he proposed to me; I felt so privileged that a man with such integrity and sturdy values would ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. 

That led to the third and fourth perfect little boys!  Not in the traditional way, although I would have loved to bear a child with this fabulous man, instead I gained two lovely stepsons the same day I married my darling husband.  They did not enter my world kicking and screaming like the other two but, just like them, they created their own niche and their own way of being loved from the first moment.   That third perfect little boy has a heart for people and looks out for those who struggle and need a helping hand.  He needs encouragement, a hand on his shoulder, a whisper in his ear to tell him he can do anything he puts his mind to, and more.  That fourth perfect little boy has a free spirit that runs and jumps and rides and tumbles with a smile that bursts with zeal and drive and passion.  He loves freely and unconditionally and is not afraid to express it; his three brothers mean the world to him and he is his happiest when he is in the middle of the latest adventure.

I did not expect any of this which serves to remind me that I may think I am in charge but it is better that I am not.  Some days they fall into a deep sleep, some days we are rewarded with those perfect moments I imagined and everyday I am surrounded by uniquely talented fellas…all five of them.